dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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