we have pet lesbian snakes
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
