So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
