At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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