I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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