did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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