I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
