First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
