I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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