Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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