People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
