3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
