i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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