3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
