He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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