Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
