the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
