Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
