I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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