Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
