that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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