I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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