She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
