i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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