Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
