I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
