everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
