we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
