Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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