I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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