I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize