I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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