you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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