dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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