I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
