i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
