how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
