I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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