I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
