Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
