Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
