I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
