Duck Duck Cougar?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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