my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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