Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The maid of honor just puked.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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