I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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