I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
