im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize