So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize