Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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