she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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