very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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