Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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