Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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